Panic and focus

Madness and irrationality prevailed irrepressibly for three weeks, which still haventbeen laid to rest completely.. but in the process i seem to have learnt a lot…

Some think that i panicked yeah i do.. and some think i always panic… and some think that i let it affect others… i donno whats true… Coz i donno how it changed the way i behaved with others during this period and also because i hardly had time to interact. On the other hand there are some who think i pull it jus because i was able to focus well amid high pressure.. i donno whats true.. but still its quite a lotta conflict thats so glaringly visible here – panic & focus do they go together?!!

I was doing 11+ hours a day for 2 weeks, suddenly i get a call saying you must be ready for an opportunity at a major investment bank. I was really excited and did send my resume for the client’s consideration. A day later i get a call from my business head saying you must be ready for the interview. I said kewli will prepare and will crack it for you. very next day i get a mail saying am selected for the opportunity but with no start date. The very next day my client Sr.VP brings three change requests to the project that was supposed to go live the very next week. Three change request jus one week before go live. The responsibility to do impact assessment came to me. Already i was putting in 11 hrs now i got the impact assessments as well… working through the nittygritties of giving them a shape, i missed to see my company mail.. there were 7 mails related one thread : doing a pilot for the investmentbank i was selected for. Surprised and curious to know what it is i go through them i see my business head asking me to contribute to a pilot project which i never saw coming. Immediately i make a call to check with the fellow with whom am supposed to work with – after few words i understood that it is not for the client but is a prep work for experience…. I tell him i will not be able to contribute as am facing 12+ hr days for the next two weeks and i tell him that i will call my business manager to disucss the same tomorrow.. I come home dead and dragging my body only to bury it in bed…next morning i wake up and the first thing i did was to check my mails.. there was this mail from my business head which i did expect.. opened up to see her questioning my attitude and professionalism…i first tried to trace what made her write this.. I find a mail form the fellow stating escalation: pradeep cant make himself available… I was so furious coz i told him i may not be able to and i will discuss how to proceed on this tomorrow despite this he had written this escalation…well no problem he tried to cover his arse… but what made my manager conclude based on some information i gave to somebody which itself wasnt a categorical no… I call her to report how work has gone up over night and how significant my role is as my analysis is of extreme importance to the cliet top managment… She didnt surprise me by saying you are so audacious to call me and tell why you cant do the work… welll i let her do that talking coz it became clear to me that she is nt going to listen… I made her stop finally and asked her, whether she had tried to question the reason why i did say that and why she doesnt realise that pulling out of the opportunity is definitely not the best thing i would do to myself… if i had done that – then it means that there is something i am trying to balance…now this infuriated her to threaten that i must consider how people are losing their jobs right left and centre… i dontsee a reason for her anger and the blatant threatning which is totally against the code of professional behavior.. finally she hung up…

Relieved and stressed at the same time i walked out into the day filled with meetings and time strapped deliverables. My decision to say no was based on two things 1. i didnt want to give less time and effort to the work i was involved in and was of direct & extreme interest to my clienttop management & it is something i get paid for 2. i didnt want to take up a work and not deliver it properly

going by the logic of engagement protocols, it will be unethical to bill a client and work for another… i agree the world isnt perfect… everybody does that… but i didnt have the time to do it… it would have consumed 16 hrs a day… and that will have a direct effect on my performance in serving both the clients..

After the fun filled meeting with my manager i come to do a brainstromingsession, where i had to evaluate the pros and cons of three different implementation methodologies and three different solutions.. so totally nine different combinations… and the people – every body was in favour of some thing.. and i have to bring out an non-partisan analysis to identify the right thing… I struggle to get my thoughts going coz this job is very important to me to learn to earn and to support my dependants… my mind was struggling to focus, i wasnt in the mind to handle the session… Two hours passed and i collated everything possible… I had to talk i jus wanted to get this out of my system… I have jus 20 mins…

first thing i write a mail to my manager giving her the reasons what made me choose those words ”i may not be able to contribute”… am quite relieved but not fully for the training session am gonna deliver for the next 1.5 hrs… I go downstair think calling my mom – she i know is lot worried and concerned about my younger sibling coz he had jus started to cochin that morning to meet the doctor, to decide on a complication that has confounded many doctors for close to 3 months now… so finally i opt to call my frnd.. i choose not to speak about this… but somehow i reach there and i get so furious over phone about how people have been behaving….i jus cut myself short and run to the training session…

two weeks of constant relentless focus on things to complete all the impact assessements, which for the first time a vendor employee was doing; training, process design, policy adjustments… now they all seem to be a bit done and am relaxing….

so if i had panicked i think it definitely wouldnt have been possible for me to have delivered all those….. so how i got through – panicking all the way?!!!!

okay if sharing and venting out to a person/ a frnd once in a while can lead to a opinion that am a panic machine… well i donno what to say…

But Yeah, true i seem to be good in doing one thing….