If you happen to be in his session, do ask n mail me..

 dont you think that social networks’ information velocity and amplifying potential has increased the reputation risk and associated financial risk for private enterprises operating in more capital intensive, socialy crucial & risk prone segments such as utilities, infrastructure … a mistake at one division, one project could take down an entire corporation … at a time when we badly need private investments dont you think social networks – products of unfettered development fully financed by capitalistic philosophy – are silently discouraging private enteprises from taking risks and forcing a case for more public enterprises, at least in aforementioned segments?

 Did your research cover how SNs have impacted or could have an impact on the risk premiums & default premiums?

 Is there any government, regulator, bank, insurer or Industry body working on this ?!

But one thing am angry at is that judgement part .. Hey I can’t believe that you think am worried about what others judge… Pls give me a break… It was as simple as this I keep my personal things to myself not even declare them to the closest of closest friends till what I think is right time.. Well you aren’t that way… And since this according to me is personal to me alone and not to you, I certainly would demand privacy… Hang ur judgements … Bull had I been would I be here where am in the first place…

Absolutely no meaning in fighting or being angry… I was never ready to hardsell or even soft bargain or convince you… You didn’t see it you didn’t see it… ASAT…

But the biggest question or challenge is how to stand up and face the morning when this runs in loop… but hell ya must agree never had even felt some thing 1/1000 th of this any time before in my FYI declarations… that’s something

Lets see … Now I understand why parents say that don’t get ever involved in any such things.. It fucks your happiness so much for the rest of ur life, it will poke u somewhere definitely if u want to be clean, and for sure if u have an elephant’s memory… Well gold fishes certainly have a better deal I guess … Oh my !!!! that just flowed … Yeah good if its so .

but felt so gutted and absolutely flushed down the toilet when i realise that she didnt even feel it guess not even a second … i feel so stupid… for having slogged all those nights… for not having even told a word… i think i suck at these… though slogging wasnt definitely for that alone… i do have other equations as well.. and balacing simultaneous equations individually is a nightmare and i would need another me to do it…

i just would hav bin beter of keepin my mobile switched off on 14th may 2010… Didnt ever think that i would invest so much…wish i could blame you for everything i am in…but that definitely will be some reason to hate.. and am not going there knowingly or unknowingly..

But where to find peace?! i just hate everything i have been doing?! am just this tired of doing… i couldnt even imagine a time when i got something i wanted i needed any easily.. yeah then why would this be… am tired but i dont want to stop trying…

wish tomorrow brings some peace…

May be I am .. and equally well may be true it is.. Coz Ambassador & Mini are from the Morris Minor … Mini Fans are gonna hunt me for this, but am least bothered coz many of those blokes wouldnt have seen ambassador

Well this is a lite hearted little researched hypothesis but believe me there is something… if you think like me

First came the quick update on possibility of interest rate cuts from RBI Governor. Frankly after seeing quite esoterically reclusively elite gentlemen ( Atleast i felt they were) like Rengarajan, YV reddy as RBI Governors this man Mr. Rao i would say jus stole me. When questioned about the possibility of interest rate cuts this man answered with a simple story -           ” Even these days when i go to Hyderabad, i still go to the same barber i used to visit 20 yrs ago. Last week when i went to him, after some start-up conversation about almost everything, Mr.barber suddenly asked – when u going to cut the interest rates. i was like – “what” but ducked answering with a smile.. we carried on. then after few mins of conversation he once again asked me “what about interest rates” , this time i couldnt and didnt want to ignore. So asked him – “what you know about interest rates” . He said “Rao sir i know nothing about interest rates but i know that your hairs stand up everytime i ask or you talk about interest rates” .. The entire hall let their acquired tension go on vacation for a while…. Rao is jus super cool. I think prolly this is the first time i have seen a man of his stature answer so coolly so witty… am gonna follow this man to know him more

After enjoying the witty Mr.Rao, it was time for international updates and nothing was really so important and crucial to a production centre like india than the economic stimulus package been decided for the consumption centre – US. ( I personally think Obama has tried his best to convince everybody and expects rather believes anybody and possibly everybody can act good and will act good if provided the necessary incentives, irrespective of the system and the interacting counter-parties, in the name of greater good. obama i wish you accept certain things and take them the way they are else you may be counted among those who “tried his best” and not among the ones who “did it”)..And it was Timothy Franz Geithner Mr. Treasury Sec delivering the press note from DC. i would like to thank NDTV for telecasting his entire speech. Tim Spoke with such clarity that he segmented things so clearly as to why what when & how also what if not. And did have no hesitation in lashing out at people / parties who deserved it. Well though he was more at a very high level which is quite understandable, this man really knows what he is doing. he was strong meaningful right & concise in his statements that no one could hav misunderstood him. i wanted to turn off and go to bed but i jus wanted to see him talk, listen to him. Two months back or prolly three, when he was chosen to be the treasury sec i was not so impressed with this man even after reading to understand him and his credentials. but I think am very much impressed and pray that he isnt one another fifth grader like Mr.Span who believed and was polio stuck in his head thinking “my job is interest rates”

I think this write up on yesterday evening wouldnt be complete if i dont bring in pathan brothers…. when i was returning back from office i got this craving for pani puri. So jitesh and i went searching for Gangotree and ended up circling Raheja Arcade for about 10 mins. Finally found this tiny little shop stuck between mammoths – Imperial and Empire.. okay here is where i knew that theres a t20 match.. Saw Yuvraj hit a impressive  confident down the track six and was quite good to see india doing well… after 30 mins entered home and found india were 7 down… then came my fav boys – the bros… i donno why i like these fellas but i like them both for different reasons and i want them to do well..  and certainly believe they can be formidable assets in out arsenal for the next 10 years…Bandara few mins ago was so confident and dominant ( bloody arse dhoni didnt have any strokes to play against him) and indians had no answer for that momentary brilliance. The came my man Yusuf.. chewing his gum ( in a manner which made me feel that he was sayin ”man, this is ma game”) he sent bandara for a four then a six ( tis six was out n out power  hitting) and i saw this man(yusuf) literally took away that confidence from bandara in a matter for four balls as if he jus pulled the confidence out by sinking his hand into bandara’s brains who travelled from being brilliant to clue(brain)less…I didnt move my legs for 25 mins( so superstitious) and i wanted india to win and was also confident that both these fellas can do it and they did it in style… damn, double damn and whooping pitcher fulla Damn – Damn the DD - these fellows plugged in a quick ”Jaago grahak” ad cutting short the celebrations … damn this DD. I finally moved my leg which had grown numb, thinking about how proud the pathan family must be at that point in time…

Well, i was not at all prepared to be impressed and that too by too many people…

this is the thing i forgot for most part of the wonderful years i spent..dont ask me how u had great time without breathing … its like u donno what u dont know 

Well.. Am so so glad that i figured that out so early (atleast i would like to think so).. looking back – ha should i do that now!! – well lemme for a while – i think i have been a big assole. thats it.. lemme leave it behind..

I am not gonna be all that i was… i know what i have lost in the process.. i know how a silly petty mule i have become… i lost that child in me…  my face is so sullen like i have become a Frankenstein of my own thoughts… Well everything has a place and everything must be in its place… i must learn to give them just the space they deserve…

well all these doesnt mean i am losing steam.. its jus that i was a horse with a blinder on .. now am jus taking the blinder off.. in the past two weeks when i trying to find me in others i have gone through a range of things from shock, feeling elated, “i found somebody hates me “, concern, a tight slap, a calm sincere lecture, a long wait, being ignored…. I donno how they gonna help me.. but they definitely make me feel better…coz life is a bit more colorful

okay now the surf s up..keep your eyes open.. take it easy

Some think that i panicked yeah i do.. and some think i always panic… and some think that i let it affect others… i donno whats true… Coz i donno how it changed the way i behaved with others during this period and also because i hardly had time to interact. On the other hand there are some who think i pull it jus because i was able to focus well amid high pressure.. i donno whats true.. but still its quite a lotta conflict thats so glaringly visible here – panic & focus do they go together?!!

I was doing 11+ hours a day for 2 weeks, suddenly i get a call saying you must be ready for an opportunity at a major investment bank. I was really excited and did send my resume for the client’s consideration. A day later i get a call from my business head saying you must be ready for the interview. I said kewli will prepare and will crack it for you. very next day i get a mail saying am selected for the opportunity but with no start date. The very next day my client Sr.VP brings three change requests to the project that was supposed to go live the very next week. Three change request jus one week before go live. The responsibility to do impact assessment came to me. Already i was putting in 11 hrs now i got the impact assessments as well… working through the nittygritties of giving them a shape, i missed to see my company mail.. there were 7 mails related one thread : doing a pilot for the investmentbank i was selected for. Surprised and curious to know what it is i go through them i see my business head asking me to contribute to a pilot project which i never saw coming. Immediately i make a call to check with the fellow with whom am supposed to work with – after few words i understood that it is not for the client but is a prep work for experience…. I tell him i will not be able to contribute as am facing 12+ hr days for the next two weeks and i tell him that i will call my business manager to disucss the same tomorrow.. I come home dead and dragging my body only to bury it in bed…next morning i wake up and the first thing i did was to check my mails.. there was this mail from my business head which i did expect.. opened up to see her questioning my attitude and professionalism…i first tried to trace what made her write this.. I find a mail form the fellow stating escalation: pradeep cant make himself available… I was so furious coz i told him i may not be able to and i will discuss how to proceed on this tomorrow despite this he had written this escalation…well no problem he tried to cover his arse… but what made my manager conclude based on some information i gave to somebody which itself wasnt a categorical no… I call her to report how work has gone up over night and how significant my role is as my analysis is of extreme importance to the cliet top managment… She didnt surprise me by saying you are so audacious to call me and tell why you cant do the work… welll i let her do that talking coz it became clear to me that she is nt going to listen… I made her stop finally and asked her, whether she had tried to question the reason why i did say that and why she doesnt realise that pulling out of the opportunity is definitely not the best thing i would do to myself… if i had done that – then it means that there is something i am trying to balance…now this infuriated her to threaten that i must consider how people are losing their jobs right left and centre… i dontsee a reason for her anger and the blatant threatning which is totally against the code of professional behavior.. finally she hung up…

Relieved and stressed at the same time i walked out into the day filled with meetings and time strapped deliverables. My decision to say no was based on two things 1. i didnt want to give less time and effort to the work i was involved in and was of direct & extreme interest to my clienttop management & it is something i get paid for 2. i didnt want to take up a work and not deliver it properly

going by the logic of engagement protocols, it will be unethical to bill a client and work for another… i agree the world isnt perfect… everybody does that… but i didnt have the time to do it… it would have consumed 16 hrs a day… and that will have a direct effect on my performance in serving both the clients..

After the fun filled meeting with my manager i come to do a brainstromingsession, where i had to evaluate the pros and cons of three different implementation methodologies and three different solutions.. so totally nine different combinations… and the people – every body was in favour of some thing.. and i have to bring out an non-partisan analysis to identify the right thing… I struggle to get my thoughts going coz this job is very important to me to learn to earn and to support my dependants… my mind was struggling to focus, i wasnt in the mind to handle the session… Two hours passed and i collated everything possible… I had to talk i jus wanted to get this out of my system… I have jus 20 mins…

first thing i write a mail to my manager giving her the reasons what made me choose those words ”i may not be able to contribute”… am quite relieved but not fully for the training session am gonna deliver for the next 1.5 hrs… I go downstair think calling my mom – she i know is lot worried and concerned about my younger sibling coz he had jus started to cochin that morning to meet the doctor, to decide on a complication that has confounded many doctors for close to 3 months now… so finally i opt to call my frnd.. i choose not to speak about this… but somehow i reach there and i get so furious over phone about how people have been behaving….i jus cut myself short and run to the training session…

two weeks of constant relentless focus on things to complete all the impact assessements, which for the first time a vendor employee was doing; training, process design, policy adjustments… now they all seem to be a bit done and am relaxing….

so if i had panicked i think it definitely wouldnt have been possible for me to have delivered all those….. so how i got through – panicking all the way?!!!!

okay if sharing and venting out to a person/ a frnd once in a while can lead to a opinion that am a panic machine… well i donno what to say…

But Yeah, true i seem to be good in doing one thing….

but enjoying short term is so good and at times so soothing  and its so terrible to tell yourself no, when you long yearn for something so dearly, just for the sake of something which has a probability – the loong term… i think its a way of proving to myself the strength I possess or testing my strength!!!!…is that really?!!!  or its a way of telling yourself that nothing is so important to you – oh is it?!! or is it okay i stop coz i know where this would head towards – questioning the very sanity of the so called life and its so n so…

so i take shelter in within my cranium visualisin a small blue ball, with microbe sized human beings walking upside down on its undersurface, in a dark suspension lit with a billion sparkling dots…… this too i think is funny – do u ask why?!! imagine what if a dog next door does the same – wont you laugh at it?!!…

while on the other hand in a country and society like india where any guy or girl no matter what shit he or she is can be pretty sure that they would get somebody … and this somebody no matter what is expected to stay with him/her for the rest of his/her life … never to forget buying out the bride or a groom is still a prevelant social malice.  such a ridiculous social system which in no way gives any incentive to anybody to be a better person… a system that provides a sense of security which in most of the cases had / has / and will let people take their partners for granted… and the sense of security has made us take love and support for granted which has led of gross abuse in millions of instances …Such a ridiculous social system.. man and woman in nuptial relationship are more bound by the social benefits of the realtionship and the social pressure that they think they will be under if they break out is all thats what holding a million families… Even absurd is that without any love or mutual respect you go on to procreate and create a family … At times this very way we have grown over generations to create such an absurd system makes me think – no wonder why these fellas went about conquering the world when u for generations lived in the same place, eating, sleeping, hallucinating in the name of god and religion ( one of your greatest inventions to control people ) and theorising that the guy who is naukar came from GOD’s foot and you came from the same GOD’s head – a theory that would demean humans for milleniums – theory that would make 8 yr old kids in uttarpradesh clean school toilets after school hours jus because they are children of those men who came from your hypothetical GOD’s foot.. ( Even more shocking is an episode i watched on youtube a documentry on untouchability in india- where a god man in varanasi argues that – yes untouchability is true.. god defined it and it must be so.. am sure there must be atleast 1000 fanatics there who would consider this godman to be that guru who would help them attain the ultimate mokshaa… fuck you Mr. Pujari and i feel so sorry for the system am part of… )

all these together makes me think that our civilisation has lived all throughout generations like a big fat frogs trying to find mates and trying to prove their superiority among themselves in one single well where never they experienced floods… ours is a perfect example of what would happen in a utopian socialistic world where everybody almost gets everything that he / she needs…  people wont have any respect for anything coz everybody has the same thing everybody will get same things… see such a world is not sustainable at all either the system will break down or survival will…( think about it yourself)..

welll.. i think this is quite a lot of complex things.. but this a polygon and there are multiple sides to it… so i wont conclude… its a debate its a discovery its a journey that would go on in me.. till my system one day shuts down in peace…

mmm.. where am i ? now… am here sitting on the bench in Forest area of nottingham.. right next to me s GIRI and to my left is the biker whom i did meet only about 20 mins back … this englsh chap has jus moved from sheffield to nottingham – he has quit his job to start a life with his girlfriend in nottingham, only to know that she has dumped him an hour back and is heading to London…. he s a devasted man and i can see that in his eyes the paranoia the shock the stress of unemployment in UK everything… This man in the past 20 mins has told me his story .. i donno why he did … listening to his story a million things hav criscrossed in my mind in the past 20 mins… he stands up ….says sorry for bothering us and  thans me for listening to him .. he slams his helmet and walks towards his bike…

i can now no more feel the warmth of the autumn sun on my face…. i jus stare at the old pakistani couple ( i think they are pakistani coz forest is more a pakistani area) , the aunty helps uncle pull his skull cap down right over his ears… m… GIRI jus taps me – ” pradeep, give me 15 mins – call from police :) ”…. Police – the petname he has given his girlfrnd…….